February 2012
60 posts
lying on the floor in my underwear with the blinds drawn. my mum bought me a coconut to drink and i’m watching movies. yay.
so much poison in me that i know not how to purge just
a sad thing
i have to shut him out. i have to shut him out. i was happy to try doing the tender/vulnerable thing, but i cant no more, it must my shut down because i deserve that much. in fact i told myself much earlier that i had to kill it, but then i thought i should try doing what normal people do. but no, it must be shut. for myself. it is a selfish thing. i talked to my therapist and i talked about how...
what fuels my ability to be good; what fuels my kindness - a kindness warmer than most people would even care to understand, is also what fuels my bitterness, my poison, my evil. it is the same - i can be martyr and i can be cruel and callous, but it comes from the same place. the source is the same.
People today are so fucking afraid of literacy. Literacy does not take intelligence or hard work, all it takes is interest. If you want to know more about something, if you want to know how something works - find out! That’s literacy. It’s not hard or exclusive, nor is it pretentious or conceited. In fact there couldn’t be anything more earnest. If you really want to know, rather...
currently watching
hamlet
friendship
one thing i take ridic amounts of pride in is the fact that i am a ridic loyal and good friend. like fuck, sometimes i feel positively spartan about my best bros. as a person i’m pretty dubious - i can treat people like fucking shit and not give a fuck, but as a friend, a true friend - i will defend my friends and love my friends like no other lady bro. i’m a fucking good friend...
lol
my therapist told me i never reward myself for how far i’ve come and shit and so on, so i took that as permission to buy a stupidly expensive, ridiculous hat right after i left her office. i think it’s pretty dope freshhhhh ill, but still, lol. looks like something a ostentatious billionaire would wear on the golf course. if this doesn’t scream fuck me now, i don’t know...
errbody want on my case coz I’m so fascinating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i still maintain this is the best strokes album by far. i think it sounds so so special, like the entire thing had been soaked in good and righteous amber liquor.
i no longer know how to sleep. two tabs, no dice, what the fuck is this shit. i am so fucking tired. how do i get there? bad circle sleeplessness gives me massive fucking anxiety, anxiety gives me sleeplessness. big big merry go wroung. bad concentration gives me massive fucking anxiety, anxiety gives me worse concentration. the reception at my new therapist’s office has a bowl of fantales...
dropping pillz because i want to be knocked the fuck out tonight my god i’m spent thank fuck for modern pharmacology sweet dreams y’all.
my ma calls me the daughter made of glass.
i am now writing stupid shit about the shit i see... →
i wish i could rip my heart out of my ribcage and piff it at the floor. (but not really, that is just how i feel i would like to feel more than to feel nothing, i guess)
Listen
evil alien fucked up freak bitch from the future.
2 tags
john donne
No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as a manor of thy friends or of thine own were; any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind. And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.
1 tag
mental health victoria has failed me. it feels good to say that and have somebody on the inside affirm what i have always believed but it also makes me feel incredibly upset and shaken. s. parsons failed me. f. rousseaux failed me. p. chen failed me. the monash medical centre mental health crisis unit failed me. i hate playing victim, but significant things have happened in my life that were...
no more foreclosure
jj
there is too much in my life right now i am just too confused and scared and failing. i wish life was on the track that high school makes it out to be if you get a 99.65 enter; supposedly, simplistically easy - solved/game, set, match - you’re a winner!! too much in my life. too much. it wasn’t supposed to get like this.
being a writer is hard werk mangz
oh my god i’m hyperventilating and crying this is so stupid lol
i am reading. I AM READING. I AM READING. I AM READING. it is david lipsky’s road trip with david foster wallace, which is not literarily/structurally challenging. it is a transcript. but still. i am so incredibly, incredibly nervous that my fuse will just blow again. tentative but shaking. worried about delirium. i am so scared. there is a physical aspect to depression, that is, the...
i am very very sick. i am very very ill. i know i am not supposed to say that, but that is what i am. i didn’t choose to be this way. and i am doing everything anybody tells me to do to get out of this, not because i give a fuck but because i know you want me to or i know that is what is normal. i am not well. i am ill. i need time. i need people to know that i am not well. i am trying very...
i like u a lot cinematheque u r my fav →
but i love you hallie incandenza i wish you were real
I H8 MYSLEF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1 tag
started out hustlin’, ended up ballin’
in lieu of sex (and liquor): psychotropic states of bliss. thank you seroquel®. you are my best friend and my lover in these times of darkness.